Running Away from Myself

I had a realization the other night before I went to sleep. I've been constantly antsy in my day-to-day life. I often look for escapes and seek pleasure as a norm. These vices consist of food, alcohol, and any videos I can binge watch to distract and entertain myself. This has been my way of life, especially as life gets stressful. Having anxiety has made wanting a "high" and getting a "high" the way to live. This never occurred to me as a problem until the other night. I realized I've been running away from myself.

My girlfriend and I had a conversation about happiness and what it really means. We both concluded that real happiness comes from allowing yourself to feel all emotions, positive and negative. I couldn't allow myself to feel pain or sadness. I had been living in a glass, disconnected from my mind, body and spirit. I just wanted to feel good, no matter the cost.

A few weeks ago, I went to a wedding. This was the 7th wedding I’ve been to. And for the first time, I questioned the guests’ tendencies to constantly consume alcohol. I promise you, the people at my table could not stay away from the bar. Every chance they got, they got up and got a drink. The bar was full the whole night, with the same miserable faces. That’s when it became clear to me: They weren’t at this wedding to celebrate. They were here to escape.

I have been running from myself all year, turning against myself as opposed to aligning with myself. Even traveling, which I genuinely love, started to become an escape for me. Anything beautiful can work against you if done for the wrong reasons. I’ve decided to jump off the hamster wheel and sit still with myself. All of my feelings and emotions will be tended to properly. They will not be buried. Try meditation. Try prayer. Try reading. Your soul will be fed as opposed to your flesh.