Friend-Adjacent

The meaning of friendship. You count on each other. You’re there for one another. And you challenge each other. Not to mention, you acknowledge each other and make sure the other feels included. I would throw around the word “friend” a lot growing up, even when I didn’t feel like one’s friend. In many cases, I was cool enough to be around some people, but I wasn’t getting invited to things. Oftentimes I’d be with a group, but they wouldn’t check on me personally. I was friend-adjacent.

There was a group of friends I had for about 10 years. I was introduced to them through a relative. They were all connected so meeting one led to meeting another. I must say their company felt nice. But it was bittersweet. I remember working to constantly feel included in conversations. I wanted to be embraced. This wasn’t a good feeling. You would think I had no friends considering how I’d feel after some days with them. I’d feel lonely after we’d all hung out at camp for example, but my presence didn’t seem to matter. When I was about 12 or 13, I called one of my closest friends from the group to go to a fun fair. He picked up the phone and answered, “What do you want?” This was early in the relationship. Now I see this was a foreshadow of how I’d reflect years later.

In hindsight, it was a weird relationship that I had with this group. In all honesty, it felt weird the whole time. I was constantly working to be accepted and felt like an outsider within the group. I’d have these friends during the day but knew that was inaccurate by night. Today we don’t speak unless we run into each other. I ran into one of the guys at a house party this past fall. We were happy to see each other. But I couldn’t tell you what he’s up to. I’m just at peace knowing I stopped chasing his embrace.