Survival Mode

“Why Dixon? Why were you so adamant about posing a certain lifestyle? Why did you try to be so gangster? You know you didn’t have to.” I need to take a moment and speak to my soul. Many people grow up in poor and disenfranchised environments. A lot of these individuals turn to gangs and drug dealing as a form of survival. At the same time, many people in these environments see an allure to this lifestyle and end up following what they see. These followers don’t see street life as a necessity, but as something flashy and they want to be a part of it. I am very guilty of being a follower. “Why?”

I was well-fed, taken care of, and always had a parental figure at home. A lot of the gangsters I knew didn’t have these things. Therefore, they were in survival mode. By any means necessary, they were going to survive. I, on the other hand, had no business trying to follow their footsteps. My mom would've been mortified to see my actions.

Riding around with the gangsters I knew, I became an accomplice to many wrongdoings. I was around for it all. They knew who I was. But I just enjoyed the thrill. Funny enough, I kept a certain distance as I knew deep down this wasn’t who I was. So why did I play this game at all? Well, it turns out I was also in survival mode.

What drove me toward the streets was loneliness and emptiness. I needed a sense of belonging and felt like I could find this by dabbling into the gangster lifestyle. This was my survival mode. I just needed to feel something. Whether it was seeing weapons drawn or drugs sold, I felt something. And that was the goal.

I was seeking a thrill. My regular life seemed inadequate. Staying home mostly and watching tv was unfulfilling to me. But when I look back, I could've saved myself a lot of trouble and a lot of harm. A lot of the trauma I have today is because I chose to be a follower. I didn't need to survive, I just needed to live.